Another month of another negative pregnancy test. Another month my heart felt distressed. Infertility had the audacity to strike again and it was ruthless, disrespectful and bold. It gave hope, only to crackle with laughter and then rip it to shreds.
It forced me to question myself over and over again. What am I doing wrong? I am young, healthy and doing everything “right”. I have an animated and active 4 year old daughter, so shouldn’t it be easy?
No.
I thought back to my first bout with infertility, It took me on a wild ride and I barely held on. I remember the joy my husband and I felt when we learned I was pregnant. I couldn’t contain the news and immediately told my mom and best friend. I then rushed to Target to take in all the baby clothes, array of colors and feel their softness against my skin.
Was it going to be a girl? A boy? Twins? Gasp! I just couldn’t wait.
Then it happened.
We were visiting a friend and just finished a delicious meal. I watched as their kids played in the living room. The sound of giggles and laughter gave me an overwhelming sense of peace and joy. I smiled and couldn’t wait to do the same with my own.
Suddenly, I felt a sharp painful cramp in my side and the urge to use the bathroom. I excused myself just as my friend was in the middle of telling a joke. Everyone was laughing and didn’t notice as I silently slipped away.
As I walked to the bathroom, I knew in my gut that something was wrong. Sadly, my worst fears came true. There was blood. I had lost our baby.
Infertility is not only about getting pregnant. It’s also about staying pregnant.
Infertility: 1 Me: 0. But who’s keeping score?
After this experience, I fell into a rut. Infertility ran my life for the next 2 years, constantly screaming into my ear that I wasn’t worthy. I wasn’t good enough. I was on the verge of giving up.
Then it reached its breaking point.
I became pregnant again and infertility reluctantly withdrew its claws, but not without a fight. I ended up in the hospital multiple times, suffered from severe hyperemesis, pre-eclampsia, took medications and had to be watched closely by my doctor. By the grace of God we were blessed with a healthy baby girl. And it was so worth it!
Infertility: 1 Me: 1
We were on our way to growing a big family, a dream I’ve had since I was a little girl. I wanted to start on our second right away. Siblings that would get to grow up together and be the best of friends. I thought all my infertility problems were over, since it was proven I could conceive and actually stay pregnant.
Nope. Wrong again.
Infertility reared its ugly head once more and came back even more powerful and stronger than before. It was hungry and ready to devour any ounce of hope we had left. It’s obsessive thirst for grief was electrifying and just couldn’t let go. Happiness is its trigger and its curse.
Second infertility affects approximately 3 million women in the United States and is just as heartbreaking.
Each month when my period comes, a little piece of me dies inside. All I can think of is another beautiful baby lost. To cope, I decided to sit down and write infertility a letter:
Dear Infertility,
You have quite the nerve. Your mission is to imprison families by taking away their joy. Happiness is a disease to you and survival requires pain. You thrive off the tears of hopefuls who yearn to have a family. You laugh at the barren and chuckle at loss.
I actually feel sorry for you.
To live in a world where darkness is your only friend breaks my heart. To experience happiness and love, are the most beautiful gifts you can ever have. It is a shining light on the darkest of days and calming during a storm. Its being embraced by someone you love and comforted by the innocence of a child.
Who hurt you?
What traumatic experience gave you the audacity to antagonize millions of people across the globe?
I will tell you this, we will not be broken. We will still love and we will still hope. Humanity is relentlessly resourceful and has invented ways to bless many families with children when they face a roadblock along the traditional way.
We will not be broken and we will overcome.
So yes, another month with another negative pregnancy test. But I know that one day my heart will rest and we will be blessed. There is beauty in every sunrise.
The audacity of infertility, will come undone.
Love,
Khadijah
I appreciate you sharing your in-depth intimate story of your journey with pregnancy. I’m not a mother as of yet, but in the future if that time shall occur I will reflect on your story. Much love Khadijah and I hope that you’ll be granted a successful healthy pregnancy soon.
I pray that you do not have to experience this when you begin your journey to motherhood. Much love to you as well and thank you for your well wishes.
Wow!! This literally hit home to when I was trying to conceive my first child! I wanted another child right away and I got pregnant and lost it. Years later I find out I had PCOS and get 12+ cysts every month during my “fertile window” and they burst just as I am about to get my period. Even though I have 3 children, I also have had 3 miscarriages.. painful ones that threw my confidence out the window!
By the will of God you will conceive that precious baby your heart yearns. My duaas are with you my dear sister. May allah make it easy for you and continue being strong!! I admire you so much! ❤️
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry you experienced this! I also have cysts and wonder if this affects my journey but my OB says otherwise. Only God knows. I am so happy that you were blessed with 3 childen. May they a be coolness and comfort for you. Thank you for your strength and your duas as well.
Wow. A lot of women will be able to relate to this post and benefit from knowing they are not not alone when it comes to the battles with fertility
That is my hope, Know they are not alone and hopefully we cans support each other in some way.
What a painful thing to go through! This is a very important post for other women to know those feelings are shared by others.
I agree! This is so stigmatized!
Beautifully written, I appreciate your transparency in sharing a part of your life with us, giving women in the same or similar situation HOPE.
I hope you will be blessed with the gift your heart’s desire. Much Love Khadijah.
Thank you so much Tahesha! I appreciate your kind words and I hope you are well. Hope is a powerful things and keeps many going. I don’t want anyone to lose sight of that and give up on it. Much love to you as well.
As salaamu alaikum wa arrahmatullahi wa barakatuhu. As one Khadijah to another Khadijah, I could not have written any better, well said sis. I remember like it was yesterday, something tearing out of me, like not today. I remember. May Allah Subhannah wa Ta’ala bless you to grow your family from your womb or others and continue to have you educate the masses along the way, my beautiful sis. With love.
Wa alaikum ma salaam! I am sorry for your loss and your experience. I hope you were able to find comfort and heal. Ameen to your duas and likewise. I hope you are well.
This truly touched my heart. I had infertility issues before I had my daughter and ended up losing twins at 6 months. Prayers to all women trying to conceive.
I am so so sorry! Its just a devastating experience and my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing and thank you for your prayers to all.
Thank you for sharing – this is something far too many women don’t speak about, which makes those suffering feel even more alone. I am an attorney, so most of my close friends waited until well into their 30s before trying, and I will tell you that not ONE of my friends has a smooth conception story, including myself. You are not alone.
You are most welcome! Yes, there should be more support for us. No one should have to suffer alone. I am sorry you and your friends experienced this. Preganancy should be a beautiful experience, but for some it can be an emotional ride. Thank you for sharing your story .
I greatly admire your perserverance. Thank you for sharing your story and good luck. 🙂
You are most welcome! Thank you for your comment and well wishes :).
It is so relatable. I can feel that pain.
Unfortunately, many people assume that after we have first baby infertility won’t hurt after that… Because afterall we have one already, they think. Dream of more children is somehow unnecessary in their opinion.
Exactly! Second inferility affects a lot of people! Many dream of having a big familly and its just as devastating when they have a hard time conceiving for more.
What a cute family and miracle baby. Thanks for sharing this incredible story this will definitely help someone out.
Thank you! She is definitely our rainbow baby and we are sooo thankful for her.
I too was affected by infertility. At the time, it was one of the darkest places I have been in and I found myself questioning everything. The second time around we were able to get pregnant basically without even trying. It’s such a funny thing. Looking back I can say that I am grateful for the struggle because it has changed me and made my husband and I stronger.
I can totally relate! It was one of the darkest times in my life when I lost our first baby and my faith was shaken. Then with my daughter, we decided to stop trying and bam! Its funny, but not so funny how things work. When you go through this experience with someone you love, it definitely can help make you stronger. I am happpy you were blessed with your babies and I wish for more blessings your way if you so desire. Thank you for sharing.
Infertility is so terrifying, thank you for putting your anger and frustration into words. I’m sure it will help you and other women going through similar struggles.
It definitely is! I would say I was angry, but definitely fustrated. Never thought it would be this hard. I do hope this helps other women. Thank you for your comment.
Assalam walakum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu Sr. I have been there and I understand your pain. My first pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. I thought I did something wrong. I wasn’t aware of how common they are. We got pregnant right away and had a healthy boy. A few years later, got pregnant and another miscarriage. It was a little easier, but it still hurt. Got pregnant right away and had a girl. A few years later, got pregnant again and I almost waited for the miscarriage to happen because I just thought that was my pattern. Alhumdulilah, that was not the case and had a boy. All this to say, everything happens for a reason. Perhaps they would not have been righteous kids or they would have caused us to much grief or pain. Hold tight to your faith and continue to make dua.
Wa alaiakum ma salam! Thank you for your comment! Yes everything definitely happens a reason. The loss of a child is hard no matter what their path in life may have been. My faith is what got me through alhumdulillah. I am so happy you were blessed with your beautiful babies. May they be the coolness of your eyes and lights of this Ummah. Ameen.
This was a beautiful post. I’m so sorry this is something you’re going through and that others go through as well. It breaks my heart. I have a beautiful baby boy but the thought of all that could happen if we tried again is a scary thing. Thank you so much for sharing your story and I hope there’s happy heading your way very soon!
First, I want to say what a beautiful site you have. I come from a Muslim background as well. My father’s side of the family is Muslim, So I am familiar with the religion and feel an instant connection. This was a great read on infertility. And what a beautiful creation your journey produced. Thank you for great content.
Thank you for this beautiful and much needed read .. i had my son after over 3 years of concieving, we were cursed with “unexplained infertility” and not to mention went theough several avenues to get hear .. now i have been yearning for my son to have a sibling soon IA! Today i took a pregnancy test as im 4 days late of my period but unfortunately yet another negative .. i thiught it would be easier aince we already went through pregnancy and delivery but nope, not sure whats happening and not sure if my womb will ever be blessed again .. but iA i am praying for us all that our beautiful capable wombs will bloom a growing family that we have been praying for
Thank you sharing sis! We have similar stories. Sending you light and praying for you as well. IA we will be blessed and our family will grow <3.
Thank you for sharing.💙
Thank you for reading love.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I could definitely feel some of your emotions and feelings as I faced secondary infertility. I just knew I would get pregnant easily when I was ready. 1 to 2 years after my son because I wanted my kids to be close. It didn’t happen and many months I found myself sad. But thankfully I found groups and forums online where I was able to find comadarie because I couldn’t share my experience in person without judgment. Soon as I found accepted that I would probably only have 1 child… I turned around and had 3 in 5 years. It is absolutely something how the universe works!
And thats what I hate. Why do we have to be judged? Its so much stigma around infertility, that it makes this journey so much more emotional and sometimes draining. We should be able to speak out about it and community should rally around an support, but thats not how the world works :/. I just found a forum online and I hope its helpful. No one should have to face this alone. Congrats on your babies! The universe is indeed something <3.
So beautiful and heart wrenching. Infertility is no joke. My mother in law had 4 artificial inseminations and 2 IVFS to have my husband. Also, I was once in a public bathroom stall where a woman was crying. I asked if she was okay and she told me she was struggling with infertility and she had just gotten her period again. I have always remembered that moment. So heartbreaking.
Oh my heart! That is very hearbtreaking and I feel for the woman in the bathroom. Its devstating month after month. I hope she was eventually able to have a baby.
I am happy to hear your monther in law was finally able to have her son. I can only imagine her journey.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your story. So many don’t talk about the struggles but they are so real!
Thank you for sharing this. As someone who also struggles with infertility, it is nice to not feel all alone in this struggle.